Is it normal to miss your booty call?
the condom got lost in my hair
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
