I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
