he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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