Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize