I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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