STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
