It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
