I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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