Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
