I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
