the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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