Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
so much tequila, so little girl.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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