well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
