ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
