Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
