she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
