I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
