Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
