so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
