Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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