Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my sisters under your porch take her home
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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