I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
