): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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