I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
