my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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