Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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