If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
