I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So vagazzling was a success
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
