i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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