I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
