Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Randomize
