Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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