Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
