can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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