Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Randomize
