I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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