**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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