peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
