you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
