Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i drank out of a bidet.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
