The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
please come you make the beer taste better
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
