At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
