good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
