why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
