I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
