The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She even gives head with a lisp.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize