I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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