i wish my penis had a tongue
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
