So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Michael Bay diarrhea
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
