I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
How's work?
Spinning.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
