I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
