We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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