Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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