You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
