I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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