Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
